Newborn zone

One of the few apps I use on itouch is the "days until" app. The only thing on there is "Naomi is born." It says "-15 days." (well it's supposed to be -14 days, because the c-section was postponed). It's nice actually to track how many days ago she was born. The many hours spent sitting in my bed feeding her has given me countless moments to think, pray and reflect. The most current reality to reflect upon is that I'm in the "Newborn Zone."

With all our meals taken care of by mom-in-law. Graham taking care of the kids every morning and other regular routines. I can focus on our little new addition. It's a joy. It's pressure also. One friend reminded me that it's weary no matter how you slice it. That was so great to be reminded. I prayed for no-colic. I was really thankful for how quiet she was in the 2 short days we were in the hospital. A few days after also proved to be a blessing of sleep. Then week 1 arrived and there was crying. And then there was more crying... and then the greenish poops that accompanied Elijah's incessant crying. Ah reflux! Ah, colic! Many moments, I'm holding on, trying to keep it cool. And I'm surprisingly keeping cool. but there is a fear deep inside... "oh no, not again!" In the night, while she stiffened her back like a board, wailed and kicked while I held her. I was half asleep reciting what I would say to the doctor on Thursday. And how I would try to ask for Zantak (the stuff for reflux).

This morning she had about 1 hour of happiness! Oh what a relief! I was waiting and looking for a moment when she was actually awake and happy! And there it was. Hallelujah!

And now I can go back to being reflective of this newborn zone... I'm focused on feeding her. I'm sleeping so much! With the blessing of a "parenting leave hubby" around, I slept til 10 am. I slept again from 3:30-6:00. Supper was delivered to our door. I got up, ate, then pumped off milk (dealing with foremilk/hindmilk imbalance means pumping off milk before a feed every time). Then I sit on my bed for 30-40 minutes of confinement. I change her diaper half way to wake her to finish her feeding. Meanwhile, I'm dozing off. And Graham has got the kids in the bath and they are going bonkers and having a great time splashing. Graham checked on me to see my mood. He asks me these days to rate it between 1-10. I gave him a 5 yesterday. I call this rating a NB zone rating...

It's a strange feeling to just love the cuddling with a sweet sleepy newborn. I sat for 2 hours with her on my chest while I yacked on the phone today. Yet it was not very restful, nor rejuvenating. I'm spending more "present" time with the kids while I breastfeed in the chair where they play. All this is real bliss, yet I'm still in this NB zone of a mood. Graham reminds me that I'm recovering from major surgery. But I see myself eating whatever we have in our house and not caring. Then there's the depressing aspect of post-partum body issues. Some women have the blessing of not looking like they've had kids. After 3 kids, I know I'm not one of them. I think there is merit to the "one month confinement" imposed in Chinese culture. Who wants to go out for this month anyway! I think I'm actually gonna just stay confined for this month and be Chinese. I always thought I was the "rebellious" type, but I'm shocked to actually conform to my cultural ways.

Ah, now enough for depressing talk. I'm now embracing the fact that I'm in the NB zone and I'm just gonna be confined. With Graham's help, I am pushing away the guilt of sleeping so much. As my drifts to the future few weeks, I have pulled myself back to today. I find myself thinking, "oh when we hit 6 weeks, I can start letting her sleep through the night." Then I realize that today, she is small and sleepy. I want to enjoy this. I catch myself thinking, oh this nursing bra thing, and this no chocolate diet will end in 1 year! Then I remember that today, I can nurse and I'm forced to be with my little girl every day and every moment. I may not even remember this time in the future until I hold someone else's newborn and want it again. So I shall enjoy today and accept the rating of 5 and embrace the NB zone. No wonder God tells us to no worry about tomorrow. That is ultimate wisdom.