Overcoming meltdown

Yesterday was a meltdown day. Everything just felt wrong. I put on the wrong clothes in the morning to start. I felt like I was bulging out everywhere. Nothing seemed to fit. The mushroom top has 2 top layers and my arms are as thick as the kids legs. Heading out the door to drive Hannah to school was very rushed. Rushing Elijah, rushing Hannah. Threats, come-backs... I came home with Elijah to some quiet, and took the opportunity to be a good mom. Elijah agreed to do letters! Yay! We got the letter "B" down, but then it was scribbles to follow. "keep them small." He writes a big huge line down the middle. He knows how to do the "B" but he just wants to scribble and giggles and giggles. I am not finding the humour in it all... and on it goes, he's giggly and gets more silly. I'm getting more frustrated... ok, 3 more and then we'll be done. ... now pick up the toys around here and we can go play together. Let's build lego! But he spills the toys to be picked up some more and plays with them... I got frustrated with it all and went upstairs. (not a healthy way of approaching conflict, but I did just sneak away). And I said to Graham who was working, "uh, I can't do it, I'm a bad mom, I just can't get it right." Naomi cries, I go feed her. I don't hear Elijah downstairs... turns out he went to see Nana and Papa downstairs... another frustration because he is no supposed to go down without asking me. But at this point, I'm just thankful there is someone to give me some respite.

To turn things around a bit, I take Elijah to lunch, for bubble tea. This was going to be good. Ig get some Vietnamese food and we'll have a good time. I saw everything with "negative glasses" there too. He kept falling off the chair saying, "boom me down!" something he learned from Wiggles... (curse the Wiggles). And then he played with the chopsticks drumming them. Then the spoon falls on the floor. He's almost spilling the bubble tea by tipping it. he does spill the soup by tipping it to see if he can get more.... ah... this was supposed to be fun and bonding. I ask him if he wants more soup. He's sooo into the the soup he doesn't hear me. I realized just how grumpy I was, so I stopped and just watched him eat. He slurps the soup very loudly and ends with an "ah!" I smile. I help him get the small noodles in his spoon, he picks out the bean sprouts, and them puts the very big spoon to his face. slurp... "ah!" I gained a bit of perspective. ...But the whole day went by with me on the brink of breakdown...

The computer I brought in to be fixed will not be covered by warranty. I told him I spilled water around it... so the warranty doesn't cover water damage. I had dropped my watch in the water while giving Naomi a bath, so that may be broken too. I felt like a failure for both these water incidents, especially since Graham always always always moves my water glass away from the computer. So here we have to pay for my negligence... more like stupidity... now I'm really hard on myself. And I really bawled when I thought I heard Graham say that I would have to call Apple myself and argue the warranty coverage. That was all just before going in for lunch with Elijah. No wonder I was in a sour mood.

By 5pm, I was in tears, really mad a Graham for going for a longer than expected run. He suggested that I go for a walk or run. I thought it was a good idea, but ended up lying across the top of my bed crying. I ended up falling asleep, which was a good remedy for my meltdown. What I was lacking was sleep and hence serotonin. I had to check in my mind if I actually took medication the night before. Affirmative, medication is in my system.

All this was yesterday. I rate yesterday a 4/10. Today, I'm a 8/10! I even slept less last night too, with wakings at 2:30, 5:00 until 6:30! I slept in til about 8:30, but it was very disrupted.

I'm trying to figure out what has made the difference and recall what took place after my meltdown at 5pm.

I had a short nap and woke up to Graham having supper laid out for me and the kids. I felt much better and decided to be more tender towards Graham, now that I gained a bit of reserve back. I actually got the kids to bed. Before shutting the door, I talked through the routine of falling asleep with Hannah. She actually didn't call me again. (The night before, she called and called. and we had a huge conflict over her going to sleep). So I think I felt successful. There was progress in the area parenting--control regained. Then I read several chapters from a book about eating, and food as idolatry, which then gave me much inspiration and HOPE about going back to a more normal size. So I think the theme is "regain control." I regained some control in parenting. And I regained some control in eating/weight gain. There was hope restored in 2 areas of frustration.

Then in the evening I blogged. I wrote and wrote. It is therapeutic to write. And today, I'm figuring out that blogging for me is different from the dear diary type of writing.

So I conclude that the means to overcoming my meltdown is to find tangible evidence of control in my life. Have input such as reading, think time such as blogging. Much prayer throughout these activities... and we are good to go! The input has to be God-centered and scripture focused.

Tonight, I recounted all sorts of information about food to Graham. It was very inspirational. And I'm scoring a 8/10 tonight. This is good recovery and bounce back... evidence that I am not returning to depression. Phew!