the Norm

On days when Elijah is in school, I have just Naomi to myself.  I get to have some quiet.  The quiet is nice and it's easy to enjoy and get used to.   But then 3 o'clock rolls around and I eagerly meet Hannah and Elijah with great anticipation because we've been apart from each other all day.  And then we just hop in the van and drive home merrily, pleasantly asking questions about each other's days... not.  That happens occasionally, but most days it ends in bickering or someone is screaming or unhappy about something the other person said etc.  Or someone is threatening that the other  cannot come to his/her birthday party and the other is not getting any presents ... 

So as the two began their bickering in the van, just moments after we all reunited from the day apart, I heard the voice in my head, "can't you just get along?!!!!!"  Ah, and I knew that voice, because I've said it millions of times in my head, but just have never brought myself to say this trite old saying out loud.  I may have stayed silent but my actions and words have spoken loud enough that I'm not happy with this bickering, I'm frustrated and just .... frustrated.  

This time, I realized that I had some wrongful expectations.  I expect them to love seeing each other after a day apart.  I expect them to just relish in our time together because we've all been away from each other.  I expect everyone to be like angels and "just get along."  I've sighed, I've yelled, I've threatened, I've cried, I've ran away.  And still they have continued this same bickering ritual, daily, whether in the car or at home or wherever... ever since Elijah has been able to speak full sentences.  

And of course, I have to also say, they have good moments too.  But as a mom, these negative moments seem to stick out to me more.  It dawned on me as I shut that voice out.  As long as that voice is there, I will be frustrated.  I want to end the frustration.  My times away from them can be like a calm of emotions.  And then when they enter back into my presence, the emotions threaten to overwhelm me.  This disparity of emotions is unsettling for me.  At least I don't resent my children, but it has in the past brought me to despair.  But this time, I'm on the solution end of things.  

I shall accept this, this bickering, as the"norm"!  What a relief!  If I expect bickering, then the only direction we have to is up!  It can only get better.  I would never catch myself saying, "can't you guys just bicker?"  Essentially, when I expect them to be little angels, just "getting along," then I am expecting too much.  I am expecting perfection.  I am expecting behavior conformity.  

When I was visiting my dad in China 2 years ago.  My dad brought along a distant relative and her daughter who was 5 years old.  The little girl reminded me of Hannah. So I played with her.  I entertained her and kept her from bugging my dad during the long car ride that felt long even for an adult.  He was impressed with how I was able to entertain and distract her from acting up, because she is usually quite active and he gets quite frustrated with her behaviour.  Upon acknowledging my ability to entertain a young child, he payed me a complement about when I was 5 years old.  "You know, when you were this little, we never had to entertain you or coerce you to behave, you were always well behaved."  I didn't reply.  But a silent reply that went through my mind was, "well, I probably knew that I couldn't make a peep because I'd probably get smacked."  And that I did, I got smacked around alot.  So I definitely learned to behave and "get along" with my little sister.  

I don't want my kids to grow up "fearing" that if they don't "just get along" that wrath will come crashing down on them.  We'll have conformity, but that's all we'll get. 

Needless to say, accepting this norm does not mean that I settle for the status quo.  It means that I have a goal of teaching my children to love each other.  But I assume they are selfish, I assume they want to look out for themselves, I assume they are sinful.  Then my frustration doesn't get in the way of my need to think clearly and pray fervently.  When I'm frustrated, all I'm thinking about is how inconvenienced I am.  Now with Jesus' help, I can give my frustrations to Him and help my kids find grace through Jesus in their own times of need, like when they are often "hating" their own sibling. 

If I expect perfection from them, then there is no need for Jesus.  Then none of us need Jesus.  Ah, what a freeing realization!  Accept imperfection, aim for grace-filled living.