The secret is out. When I am feeling insecure, this is how I [poorly] manage social situations...
For a new crowd:
- just hover under the radar,
- have a job to do
- look busy so I don't really have to stay long to talk to anyone.
- Having any one of my kids, especially my toddler is the best escape.
For a familiar but a crowd that has some new people:
- talk to the people I know
- Get engrossed in catch up conversations
- Physically steer clear of new people I may need to talk to
For new crowd with old and new faces, but I have to hang around for a long time, like a few days:
watch and listen
- Stay busy unless I have to talk to someone
- talk to someone I am working with on something
- if I really have to get to know someone, then share something vulnerable to put others at ease and for them to have no reason to judge me
For a crowd that I've spend long times with, guards down and just being myself:
- replay scenes in my mind and wonder what people must think of me
- Judge myself that I'm too this or too that...
Today, I encouraged a friend to accept herself as a needy person. Because she needs the gospel. As I was "preaching" to her, I realized that I am preaching to myself. I don't like others seeing my ugliness.
- I can be too forthright.
- I feel like I'm overbearing.
- Sometimes, I'm too loud.
- Sometimes, I come across as needy, like the leech kind, to older parent-like figures.
- I can be controlling.
- I can be judgmental.
- I am arrogant!
Now that churning in my chest... that is the discomfort I have with what others may perceive about me. When I am replaying the scenes, I am trying to figure out how I could redone that scenario to prevent others from thinking what I think they must be thinking. What exhausting mental work!
How is this productive? It is not. This is what social anxiety looks like.
As I told my friend today, I decided to apply my own advice. To rid of this churning, this discomfort is through acceptance. And only through the miraculous power of Jesus can this acceptance happen. Because once I accept that I am the ugly self I am trying so hard to cover up, then His loving grace, like a soft fleece blanket comes and covers over my "nakedness".
I get to acceptance by acknowledging that
- I overbearning because ...
- I AM needy
- I am controlling
- I am judgemental
- I am arrogant...
And because of these things, I NEED Jesus.
I need Jesus. And because I need Jesus, I will need others in my life. I will need to trust that through people, I will experience grace. And when I don't experience grace in the way I want to experience grace through people, I will experience His grace in different ways. With that, am being taught another lesson of trying to control. Heck, I even want to control how God shows me grace!
On controlling what others think, I cannot. It's that simple. But I want to! So acceptance once again is the antidote to this disease. Accept that I cannot control what others think of me.
I accept that it is pointless to try to control, or limit, or prevent others from thinking what I don't want them to think about me. My options are trying to change my behaviour to prevent, any potential judgement. Or I could try to actually control them. Both are futile.
Now the great promise is that GRACE is not futile. Grace is what I need to keep experiencing in my life to be free--free from my own shackles! And now to live it daily and accept every day that Jesus, covers me. That again, takes grace.
No comments:
Post a Comment