2 years since Egypt

Two years ago, I was in the depths of despair.  The gradually cooling weather, the approach of winter reflected my mood. That was the beginning of my journey out of Egypt.

It was the beginning of my exit.  For many years, I wandered in Egypt.  It wasn't quite 40 years, but it may as well had been.  It was a dry place.  Barren of fruit.  I trudged along.  Daily, there was bread, but it was dry and not very tasty.

When we are reading Bible stories, we tell our kids that the Israelites called the white stuff "manna" because they didn't know what it was.  "Manna" [which means 'What is it?'] was provided daily.  And I'm not sure what was provided daily for me, but it was there.

In hindsight, my manna was God's daily grace.  His mercies, new, every morning.  I couldn't see it.  Often I didn't feel it, but it was there.  Now, as I have left Egypt further behind, I can see more clearly.

Two years ago, before the journey out of Egypt began, I realized that I needed to get out.  In July, when I raised my voice at Graham in front of our good friend Hope, that marked the beginning of the exit.  I felt safe to be myself, and in that safety, I realized how bad it was: This was not the family environment I envisioned for us.

When I walked out of Dr. M's psychiatric office, with prescription in hand and the "severe depression" diagnosis as my banner, the journey out of Egypt began.  It took 4 months for the medication to replenish my seratonin levels to a point where I could even think about counselling.  There were ups and downs, sleepless nights, many trips to Dr. M to increase dosage, adjustments to the side effects, accepting sleeping pills etc.  The transition was painful because I wanted to see changes fast.  But I was forewarned to be weary of sudden changes.

When I saw dramatic improvements, I told myself to beware.  So I remained faithful to healing, to exiting Egypt.  Four months later, I finally started counselling, where I began to acquire the tools for healthy living, where I started to learn ways of living outside Egypt.

Once I started to grasp the use of tools, I began to actually start living outside Egypt.  It was a different life.  But still, I was used to Egypt.  I was used to living as a slave.  I was so used to living like a slave, that though the chains were gone, I still walked with a limp, like I still had chains.  It takes time to learn to live in freedom.

The first visible evidence of change came in the form of a baby, my baby.  I had to cast away the crutches--the sleeping pills.  There was no turning back, no need for anxiety, I just had to do without the sleeping pills.  And it happened.  I started to sleep like a baby without the "blue pill."

Then 8 more months, Naomi's arrival was imminent so the counselling had to come to an end.  I could not be driving to Toronto regularly with my newborn.  I gained enough tools from counselling.  Dr. W was confident in my ability use my tools.  I wasn't so convinced.

Now 9 more months later.  I find myself living far out of Egypt.  It was good I rode on Dr. W's confidence.  I'm living outside of Egypt and it's not strange!  I can see that I am definitely outside Egypt!  It's not an illusion!

Today, I see so clearly.  Thank you for leading me out of Egypt Lord.  I pledge myself to help others live outside of Egypt.  You are good.  And I'm so thankful for Egypt.  I won't be going back there but I'm thankful that I have walked out of it slowly and I'm out for good.