5 am joy

When I was tossing and turning in bed and there was no light coming in from the cracks of the blinds, I knew it was not quite morning. Yet, for the first time in a long time, I couldn't wait for morning to come! I laid there, just reveling what it feels like to be alive! What contrast to the months of deep dread and even moments of despair. Although there was no light coming through the cracks in the blind, there was light blaring through my own darkness. Sometimes I feel crazy with these ups after all the downs. But I know I'm on the healing path when I embrace emotions that I have stuffed. I am coming to face the numbing effect I've imposed on myself and I am coming alive. There is this thawing. It's like I've been frozen like the ice man in Antarctica (or wherever he was), and now I'm thawing out and different parts of my being are being warmed up. And I am starting to live with joy.

All this was precipitated by a moment of complex emotions. The exact details don't matter. But here's what it felt like. I was just poking around minding my own business not thinking about my past and just thinking about the lives of good friends.... with a bit of curiosity and boredom. Then suddenly, it was like I was being hurled a suitcase. I was blindsided, baggage from over a decade ago came flying into my face when I least expected it. I was not looking for baggage. I was not looking to deal with stuff from the past. But it was right in front of me and I could not run from it. It was hit with an intense complexity of emotions. I was totally thrown off balance, in a bit of a frenzy and I just wanted to hide.

Now that I've processed that moment, I find my first reactions interesting. I was still thinking about it in my sleep. I was having conversations with my past in my dreams. It got resolved there but there was still confusion. I awoke to the darkness of my room, tossing and turning recounting life 10 years ago. While the guilt heaped on, there was light. I confessed my guilt instead of bearing it as I laid there and played the reruns of my life in my head. It was just normal stuff. I was a "normal" person with "normal" baggage. In the end, we all need Christ to carry our burdens. I have forgotten about the old lesson that I learned to keep going on years ago.

In the midst of my struggle, God sent an old friend who has seen and embraced me with my baggage. What I needed was true girl time and she was there. I started shedding baggage. Then the need to hide, even from my best friend, my hubby. The hiding was unnecessary, it was just an old reaction and an old way of coping. Those old ways keep me frozen.

I have come to terms with some of the wealth of emotions by naming them. I feel alive at 5 am, not able to sleep because I'm excited about life. Not pushing those negative emotions away, giving them to the Lord is healing. Where I felt guilt, I confessed.

The most profound moment was coming to terms with my insignificance. I have a sense of over responsibility and a high view of myself that I can have such influence. There is a balance of responsibility that we must feel when it comes to how much "impact" we have on another's life. On the one hand, we are accountable for our actions. The consequence to our actions is feeling the weight of our own baggage and the baggage we give others because of our immaturity and sinful nature. Now that I've grown and matured, I look back and I shake my head. "How could I have been so stupid?" Yet these self condeming words do nothing as far as baggage is concerned. It just creates self-condemnation. That goes nowhere because then we just look at ourselves more. On the other hand, it is sobering to realize I am not THAT powerful, as to even overpower God's work in someone's life. The freeing moment was when I realized, yes I contributed to influence people in my past. But my influence and presence is insignificant compared to the sovereignty and power the Almighty God has on ones life. And the Lord is sovereign in my life, hurling the baggage my way at a time that I could manage. He does not tempt us beyond what we can bear. Now I feel alive. Thank you Jesus!